Recolection
by feathersxblood
Summary: Jasper thinks back on what happened, on what got the Cullens to leave Forks after that shameful birthday and a moments lack of restraint.


Monster.

Jasper thinks back on what happened, on what got the Cullens to leave Forks after that shameful birthday and a moments lack of restraint.

I couldn't help it.

I had lost it, on seeing that speck of blood. It wasn't even much. But it had got to me.

I had lost it.

And now, I'd dragged us all up and out of Forks.

And Edward hated me for it. At least it's what I picked up. Maybe the hate was just the fact that he couldn't be near his bloody precious Bella, because it was too dangerous.

Well that much.

That was bloody obvious, pardon the pun.

I could taste it around him. It drove me to the brink of insanity.

Constantly around all the emotion.

Carlise and Esme, I could handle.

The love and compassion they felt.

Rosalie.

God. If I felt like gouging my eyes out after tasting the vanity and jealousy, then I could cope with her.

Emmett.

He was plausable. I could handle that much. Maybe the excitement got a little much, but hey, he was never depressed of obsessive.

Alice. She knew what to expect.

She never seemed unhappy, never seemed cautious or wary..

Maybe her vision granted her that. It's why I could stand to be with her. It's why I cherished being with her. It was just, something I could handle well. She didn't judge me. Didn't boast about her practically spotless record..

She was just.. Alice.

All I felt was love and compassion back from her.

But with Edward.

The longing he had for Bella, the pain he'd felt for the seperation and then the patience.

He was waiting.

He had promised himself six months. Then if she wasn't getting over him, he would go back to her and try again. He couldn't live without her.

But me...

I was a monster.

I know. We all were. We all are.

But at least the others had control.

Once the burning thirst consumed me, even the sligthest drop of the sweet, delectable liquid would satisfy me.

Once I smell it, I can't control myself.

Maybe I should have hunted closer to Bella's birthday.

None of the others lost it, none of the others lunged and tried to rip and claw her throat out.

No, that had been me.

Oh such restraint.

Maybe I wasn't destined for this type of life afterall? Maybe the fighting, and the newborn training was what suited me.

I'd lived.

I'd killed.

I'd hunted and destroyed lives.

I'd be damned good at it too.

"Stop thinking about it,"

Alice had spoke before I'd even let the thoughts trail out my head, and before I could answer she had already started again/

"And don't even think about going back there, you don't belong there. You belong here."

SHe had that; matter-of-fact tone on her again.

The one that drove me insane sometimes, drove me to long for her more.

I smield softly, then shook my head.

"No Alice, I nearly exposed us.. What if Edward had been three steps behind her? Instead of next to her? What if he hadn't been in my mind at the time, or if I'd only seen her cut her finger and smelt it first? What if-"

"Jasper."

Alice had stood, coming to stand infront of me, just taller than me even as I sat.

"-You'll keep bloody thinking on these 'what if's' and it will eat away at your head, you know it will."

She knelt, pixie like features looking up to me.

How I loved her. I would do anything for her. I would gladly lay my life out for her.

I smiled softly, seeing her come to kneel and look to me, knowing she'd probably have some dramatic speech prepared, and if she did, would have seen me ignore her in a fore-sight.

At that, she shut up, knowing I'd figured out what she was going to do.

"Jasper," She laughed softly, musically as she moved, coming to sit on my lap, arms wrapping round my neck as I sighed deeply, pulling my arms round her waistline, drawing her close and burying myself in the crook of her neck to let her continue.

"Look, it's natural for us. You held back, you stopped yourself.. Don't you think that means you are meant for this? Sure, Edward was there.. But if I'd been breathing in the scent, I would have lost it.. We aren't perfect.."

She had paused to move, makng me look to her before kissing me lightly.

"You were thirsty. You haven't been doing this too long, you aren't going to come off perfect straight away.. I mean, come on.. I massacred that little group last year and I still have the thoughts of, 'What if I had left them?' but I can't take it back now Jasper, so," She smiled lightly and nudged me, "-Don't think on it. Just.. Don't."

She held her finger to my lips, stopping me from protesting as she moved it away and replaced it in a flash with her lips.

I smiled, sharing it with her as I kissed her back softly.

Alice. She was meant for me.

Maybe.. I just needed the practice.

But right now, I wasn't going to think on it, I was more interested in what other foresight Alice had seen involving the two of us as she took my hand, tugging me up, directing me off into another room as she closed the door behind us, closed the door on the problems and crisis of what had happened so recently.

She closed the door on the past, while opening a new one into the future.

One for me and her.

f i n


End file.
